Ranking Derrick’s playoff debut

Derrick Rose’s first playoff game made NBA history, alongside the other all-time great postseason debuts of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Wilt Chamberlain, Julius Erving, Chris Paul, John Williamson, Gary Brokaw and whoever else you want to name. But I felt it was necessary to rank Derrick’s performance against several other real-world examples of incredible awesomeness in order to provide the proper perspective on his spectacular accomplishment.

1. Man discovers fire.

2. Superman turns the tables on fate, physics and common sense by flying around the world at the speed of light in order to travel back in time. (Note that Supes gave science this big middle finger to keep from burning a piece of bread he was trying to toast for breakfast and not — as is commonly thought — to prevent Lois Lane from dying in an earthquake. That would have been a gross misuse of his powers.)

3. Santa Clause conquers the Martians.

4. Hulk Hogan body slams Andre the Giant in Wrestlemania III.

5. Derrick Rose scores 36 points and dishes out 11 assists, leading the seventh-seeded Chicago Bulls to a 105-103 overtime road win over the defending champion Boston Celtics in Game 1 of their 2009 NBA Playoff series.

6. Indiana Jones survives an atomic explosion by hiding in a refrigerator…shortly before saving the world from both the Russians and “interdimensional” aliens with crystal skulls and freaky mind powers.

7. (Tie) Mario rescues Princess Toadstool from King Koopa; Link unites all three pieces of the Triforce; Mega Man defeats Dr. Wiley.

8. Democracy defeats Communism, wins the Cold War.

9. Alexander the Great takes over most of the world (as known to the ancient Greeks).

10. Meat Loaf does “anything for love” without also doing “that.”

11. (Tie) Blog author Matt McHale scores 20 of his team’s 21 points (using the standard “1s and 2s” scoring system) in a pickup basketball game; Matt’s college roommate, Dave, establishes his complete mastery over Street Fighter II during the same semester in which he gets an “A” in Communications 201: An Introduction to Social Research without attending a single class.

12. Rocky Balboa rediscovers the “Eye of the Tiger” and knocks out Clubber Lang to recapture boxing’s Heavyweight Championship of the World.

13. The incredible Hulk catches a 150-billion ton mountain range on his back during the first Secret Wars, thus saving the lives of other notable Marvel Heroes such as Spiderman, Captain America and some dude who shoots a bow and arrow. (Seriously, how’s that a super power?)

14. Ash Williams defeats the Army of Darkness.

15. Ike Sewell invents Chicago-style deep-dish pizza.

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8 Responses to Ranking Derrick’s playoff debut

  1. greg@amanismith.com'
    Gregory J Amani Smith April 20, 2009 at 3:16 pm #

    Did I see a comics reference is this post? Very cool. Now I don’t know anything about comics, but I know a bunch of guys that do. You should check http://www.spill.com. Not only is it the best movie review website on the planet, it has a superb sub section can The League of Extremely Ordinary Gentleman. It is a bi-weekly podcast about all things comic and geeky. Here is the latest show-

    http://my.spill.com/profiles/blogs/league-of-extremely-ordinary-8

    I am the “Paul Schaffer” of the podcast. I play guitar or bass behind the dudes.

    I have your blog in my reader and thoroughly enjoy your posts. Keep up the good fight and dare I say, Bulls in 6?

    Peace

    Greg

  2. hiphopresurrected@gmail.com'
    DocBoone April 20, 2009 at 3:45 pm #

    Now that was funny!

  3. nateduncan@hotmail.com'
    Nate April 20, 2009 at 5:01 pm #

    Really, you play by the “standard ones and twos” scoring system? With the (old) college/high-school 3 point line?

    That is just a terrible bastardization of the game. That shot is so easy, and having it worth double a regular field goal means there’s almost zero reason to ever shoot a one unless it’s a wide open lay-up. The only time that scoring system is acceptable is when your gym has an NBA 3-point line, which is a difficult enough shot that it actually takes some real talent to make it. Otherwise, play by all ones or (gasp!) use the amazing powers of addition to play by twos and threes. Otherwise a game to 11 (which is what most people play to) can basically be over in 5 baskets.

  4. davidpaulroosa@yahoo.com'
    AK Dave April 20, 2009 at 5:46 pm #

    Agree with Nate.

    I hated 1’s and 2’s because I can’t hit a 3-pointer to save my life. My roommate would just bomb 3’s at a lousy percentage and still win because I would have to make twice as many shots as him. When we played 2’s and 3’s I won every time. But still, that’s how most pickup scoring seems to go, so I guess I should have learned to shoot a damn 3-pointer >_<

    Nice post- though I can’t believe you put meatloaf on there. God I hate that guy!!

    Also, it’s good to know Supe saved the toast and didn’t just abuse his powers for his girlfriend. I feel a lot better about the whole thing now.

  5. samantha.jones88@yahoo.com'
    Samantha April 20, 2009 at 7:11 pm #

    I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE DROOOOOOSE!!

  6. bscholtens@hotmail.com'
    Brad April 20, 2009 at 7:14 pm #

    I really enjoyed that ranking. Do you keep a notebook by your bed to jot all of these arcaic referances down when you think of them? Sadly, I understood most of them. I am afraid to consider what that means about me!

  7. a fan April 21, 2009 at 5:53 am #

    One of the funniest posts I’ve ever read. Keep up the great work

  8. Beej April 21, 2009 at 7:18 am #

    hahaha funny post! loved the geek references. And of course..the loaf!

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