Derrick Rose’s first playoff game made NBA history, alongside the other all-time great postseason debuts of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Wilt Chamberlain, Julius Erving, Chris Paul, John Williamson, Gary Brokaw and whoever else you want to name. But I felt it was necessary to rank Derrick’s performance against several other real-world examples of incredible awesomeness in order to provide the proper perspective on his spectacular accomplishment.
2. Superman turns the tables on fate, physics and common sense by flying around the world at the speed of light in order to travel back in time. (Note that Supes gave science this big middle finger to keep from burning a piece of bread he was trying to toast for breakfast and not — as is commonly thought — to prevent Lois Lane from dying in an earthquake. That would have been a gross misuse of his powers.)
5. Derrick Rose scores 36 points and dishes out 11 assists, leading the seventh-seeded Chicago Bulls to a 105-103 overtime road win over the defending champion Boston Celtics in Game 1 of their 2009 NBA Playoff series.
6. Indiana Jones survives an atomic explosion by hiding in a refrigerator…shortly before saving the world from both the Russians and “interdimensional” aliens with crystal skulls and freaky mind powers.
7. (Tie) Mario rescues Princess Toadstool from King Koopa; Link unites all three pieces of the Triforce; Mega Man defeats Dr. Wiley.
8. Democracy defeats Communism, wins the Cold War.
9. Alexander the Great takes over most of the world (as known to the ancient Greeks).
11. (Tie) Blog author Matt McHale scores 20 of his team’s 21 points (using the standard “1s and 2s” scoring system) in a pickup basketball game; Matt’s college roommate, Dave, establishes his complete mastery over Street Fighter II during the same semester in which he gets an “A” in Communications 201: An Introduction to Social Research without attending a single class.
12. Rocky Balboa rediscovers the “Eye of the Tiger” and knocks out Clubber Lang to recapture boxing’s Heavyweight Championship of the World.
13. The incredible Hulk catches a 150-billion ton mountain range on his back during the first Secret Wars, thus saving the lives of other notable Marvel Heroes such as Spiderman, Captain America and some dude who shoots a bow and arrow. (Seriously, how’s that a super power?)